At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
