3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
