i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
