well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
