I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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