So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
