every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
