I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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