I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
