doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
