I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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