you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
