so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
