I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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