Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
