and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
