i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
