My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
