haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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