Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
