Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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