Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
