his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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