i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
