On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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