do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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