i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
