I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
