The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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