Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
