My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
