a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
