He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
