A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
