who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
