Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
