my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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