I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
