dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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