drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I want to fling myself into the sun
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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