I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
