Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I will pee on everything he values.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
