I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
