It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
youre lurking in front of me
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
