I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
