dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You ruined the universe
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
