My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
