my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
