So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
