My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
