***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
