I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
