the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
